#1 Star Wolves 3: How to Lose a Customer
Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 5:29 pm
Dear merciful void, I want a game in space, with mercenary action, and starships. Is this too much to ask? Space games shouldn't be difficult, they really shouldn't, but it seems like I can't catch a damn break.
So Star Wolves 3 went on sale last night, and hit the point where I figured, "eh, fuck it, it looks halfway decent".
I regret that thought.
Maybe I'm starved. Maybe I'm so deprived of a good sci-fi game that a McDonald's cheeseburger three days in the dumpster looks like a gourmet meal to me, but when I take that first bite, I can taste the special sauce powered fungus.
It seems these days that the only place space games are coming from is Europe, and for the life of them they can't seem to craft a story. Maybe it's in the translation, but honestly, the implementations seem off too.
Some background is perhaps required. I loaded up Star Wolves and immediately was greeted with some of the worst writing I have ever seen. Frigid and I talked about bad writing the other day, and I have no real interest in the specifics of that chat, but I think it's worth noting that this is what easily breaks my watermark for bad writing. The game would have to be incredible to be worth this shit.
To that end, let me show you all. This is the first conversation in the game.
And for what? Did I mention that in my first runthrough, I got killed in a cutscene for doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing? Nothing is explained, you have to try and catch clues for what to do from the hamfisted dialog, which isn't that clear to begin with.
I used to think, "man, some of these games out of Europe look pretty cool, I wonder when I'll get the chance to play them". And, to be fair, some can be good.
And then there's this shit.
Space Rangers 2 ruined me, I think. Had that game had some flashier graphics and more extendability in certain areas, I'd be happy playing that damn thing forever. I mean, it was procedural, dynamic, and fun, all in ways that mattered. How the hell can someone make that game and nobody else can make the logical next step?
Don't buy Star Wolves 3. It's a $7.50 game I regret already. I could have had a sammich, damnit.
So Star Wolves 3 went on sale last night, and hit the point where I figured, "eh, fuck it, it looks halfway decent".
I regret that thought.
Maybe I'm starved. Maybe I'm so deprived of a good sci-fi game that a McDonald's cheeseburger three days in the dumpster looks like a gourmet meal to me, but when I take that first bite, I can taste the special sauce powered fungus.
It seems these days that the only place space games are coming from is Europe, and for the life of them they can't seem to craft a story. Maybe it's in the translation, but honestly, the implementations seem off too.
Some background is perhaps required. I loaded up Star Wolves and immediately was greeted with some of the worst writing I have ever seen. Frigid and I talked about bad writing the other day, and I have no real interest in the specifics of that chat, but I think it's worth noting that this is what easily breaks my watermark for bad writing. The game would have to be incredible to be worth this shit.
To that end, let me show you all. This is the first conversation in the game.
That's your first few minutes of play. No, I'm not joking, and it gets worse from there. Never mind how the hell you're supposed to smuggle anything in a universe where only seems to be possible via jumpgates, or how the hell pirates and mercenaries are supposed to operate. No, never mind any of that. I got told I was late by FIVE MINUTES and lost a contract as a result. Excuse me, I just flew a few hundred thousand million miles to get to your ass, got ambushed no less than three times, and had to deal with idiots all the way here. You can wait five fucking minutes!MSF Patrol: Attention Transport. Turn off your engines and prepare for examination."
Player: Hey, officer, my cargo bay is bare as a bone. Save your time and effort.
MSF: Just why does every meager flyer care about my time so much? For your information, it's much easier for me to pull the trigger than to explain my examination orders. Ammo reports are the only thing that stop me from doing that. So, still eager to make my life easier?
Player: Oh, of course not! Check the cargo bay, be my guest!
MSF: Good. Since you've been so kind to let me examine your cargo bay, be sure to study a document I'm going to transmit as well.
"Excerpt from the Imperial Martial Law Manifesto
Paragraph 2.4: While in Imperial Space, Citizens are bound to follow Imperial Law and assist law enforcers by reporting any illegal or suspicious activities.
Paragraph 2.5: Refusal to assist imperial law enforcers is equal to sabotage and propaganda and is to be punished according to the Imperial Martial Law Manifesto
Paragraph 2.6: Hiding information from imperial law enforcers is equal to espionage, conspiracy, and subversion and is to be punished according to the Imperial Martial Law Manifesto
Paragraph 2.7: Refusal to follow direct orders issued by imperial law enforcers is equal to sabotage and terrorism and is to be punished according to the Imperial Martial Law Manifesto.
Paragraph 2.8: Refusal to follow paragraphs of this document is equal to all the aforementioned criminal activities and is to be punished to the Imperial Martial Law Manifesto.
MSF: I hope I've made myself clear. Or should I add a missile to my arguments?
Player: I'd rather you didn't. I got it.
MSF: I'm truly glad to hear that. No forbidden cargo has been found during the examination. You may pass. And here's some extra advice: if you see anything suspicious, call in the MSF. We're your best bet. Over and out.
And for what? Did I mention that in my first runthrough, I got killed in a cutscene for doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing? Nothing is explained, you have to try and catch clues for what to do from the hamfisted dialog, which isn't that clear to begin with.
I used to think, "man, some of these games out of Europe look pretty cool, I wonder when I'll get the chance to play them". And, to be fair, some can be good.
And then there's this shit.
Space Rangers 2 ruined me, I think. Had that game had some flashier graphics and more extendability in certain areas, I'd be happy playing that damn thing forever. I mean, it was procedural, dynamic, and fun, all in ways that mattered. How the hell can someone make that game and nobody else can make the logical next step?
Don't buy Star Wolves 3. It's a $7.50 game I regret already. I could have had a sammich, damnit.