The True History of the Sith (word game)

[Josh]

I'm often asked about the great Sith Lords of the past, their deeds, accomplishments, and glories.

To which I reply "Hey, they're fucking dead. Hence, failures. Why do you give a shit?"

But just for the hell of it, I've been going over my notes, and this is what I've come up with.

It all started back a long long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

Darth Novative and Darth Teligent were bored, near as I can figure, and so they started their own 'Anti-Jedi' club. Now, initially it was nothing more than a genteel society that concerned itself with appreciating fine brandies and cigars, but you know the Jedi, they never could leave well enough alone...

Rules: Each player contributes a paragraph to the story, introducing new Sith as needed. Each Sith name is derived from a word that starts with the letters 'In', and their behavior must follow the pattern of the original word. (For example, Darth Flexible will be a rigid, unyielding bastard.) No more than three Sith are to be introduced in any one post, and the storyline should progress over time and generations until it lands us with Vader and Sidious. Cameos by canon Jedi and Sith are welcome, so long as the Darth 'In' theme is maintained. Have at it.

[Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman]

Darth Sane is nervous; he always hate the Jedi for long; there is really something wrong with the Jedi fundie philosophy. For starter, why the Jedi always seek to surpress sexual desires? Sex is good, porn is good, and of course, the most perverted it is, the better!

He often shudders in horror imagining how Soda (the great-great-great grandfather of Yoda) could life without sex in his six hundred years of life. That's not healthy. Has Soda ever masturbated? Despite what the Jedi Master had said, "wrong it is, whacking my schlong I wouldn't,", Darth Sane refuses to believe that Soda's closet is actually filled with old Jedi scrolls instead of hardcore Twi'lekkian porn.

However, little does he knows that being a Jedi for too long has certain unpleasant effect on himself as well. See, Darth Sane was formerly a Jedi; learning to surpress his sexual desires by meditating on turn-off things like Lwaxanna Troi vs Kathryn Janeway Lesbian Sex (TM), naked pictures of Patrick Steward, as well as Margaret Tatcher Nude Calendar. That is, until he could not help it anymore and decided to follow the Dark Side.

However, the Jedi teaching started to show its side effect; those turn-off things which were originally intended to get rid of his sexual desires now only serve to make him horny! Even the movie The Phantom Menace, which is not intended for sexual purpose whatsoever, starts to induce an erection on Darth Sane; especially the part where Jar-Jar Binks sticked out his tongue. Darth Sane cannot help but imagining how it is like to have a wet, French, and deep tounge kissing with the Gungan. Mmmm...... Yummy-yummy.

Ah, but he would worry about it later. Darth Sane takes a look on his watch; time for his scheduled masturbation again. He insert a DVD of Lwaxanna Troi Mud-Wrestling Championship (TM), push the play button, then reaches for the lube while keep staring on the TV screen. He starts jacking off when he feels something strange. Weird, he thinks, usually a lube doesn't feel like this.....

....................................................................................................... (moments of silence)




A horrible, high-pitched, agonized shriek can be heard from Darth Sane's dorm room. Inside, the new Sith is full of tears. Yet, amidst his pain, he still takes time making a note to himself.


ALWAYS PUT AWAY THE CHILLI SAUCE EVERYTIME YOU ARE GOING TO MASTURBATE; YOU MAY MISTAKEN IT FOR LUBE.

[Josh]

The tragic fall of Darth Sane was enough to convince even Darth Decisive that it was well past time to move against the Jedi. However, he could not figure out a manner of attack and constantly bickered with Darth Flexible over what approach they should take.

[Ra]

After the fall of Darth Sane, Decisive sought a new apprentice, in the form of Darth Quisitor. Quisitor proved to be a powerful Sith, and highly skilled in the Dark Side.

Quisitor did the Sith's dirty work, and she enjoyed it in a literal sense. Torture was her expertise, as was breaking anyone the Sith captured, often getting them to confess vital clues about Jedi movements and intentions. She always worked alone, even on the most dangerous of operations. She never cared about the "grand scheme of things", just her victim. One person, to break and manipulate.

When Darth Decisive moved against the Jedi, Quisitor further marked her reputation as a ruthless, cold, and sadistic individual. She sought out information on where Jedi were going, often using brutal means to obtain it. Jedi unfortunate enough to face Darth Quisitor would often be fought to exhaustion, and then tortured to death.

The war against the Jedi ended when the famed Jedi Master Wii Natab defeated Decisive in a lightsabre duel, one that was celebrated by the Jedi from then until Order 66. Unable to chose whether to continue fighting Natab or to save his prized Twi'lek lesbian porn collection (which the Jedi were burning, holoprogram by holoprogram), he was struck down by Natab. Quisitor rose as the new Dark Lord of the Sith. And her vengeance was swift.

The celebration was brief, and the famed battle was to be followed by one that would live in infamy until the days of the Empire. Quistor hunted down Natab, viciously murdering no less than 25 Republic officials to extract the Master's location. Atop a rainy rooftop on Humbarine, the two fought for 14 hours, lightsabres crackling in the blowing rain, competing with the roll of thunder. Finally, Natab seemed to have the Dark Lord, but she outmaneuvered him. In the most infamous of lightsabre duels, Quisitor castrated Natab with her crimson blade, and kept the Jedi's genetalia as a prize. For once, Quistor did not bother torturing her Jedi victim, but stabbed him through the heart.

A statue to this battle was built atop the building on Humarine, a monument to the battle of Ancient Days. Sadly, with the Clone Wars all of Humbarine - including the monument and museum, were lost under the fires of the Invisible Hand...

[Josh]

And so began the glorious Golden Age of the Sith, an empire that seemed destined to last forever.

However, it was not meant to be. For as the great Bane would later recognize, the Sith have always been their own worst enemies.

It was during the reign of Darth Cest that the wheels began to come off...