Feedback for Rhoenix/Windswept

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Fri Feb 19, 2010 10:09 pm

Part of what took me so long with chapter 4 was fleshing out the other students. I was a little surprised myself that two of them are lazy drunks, but it works out far better this way.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Fri Feb 19, 2010 10:41 pm

I know that 'lazy drunks' wouldn't be in the Advanced Class... but I can see where two guys who have busted their ass would not be wanting even more training afterwards.

I can see them trying too late to catch up, trying their own little training, but they'd be too proud to turn to the others for help. that would admit that they were wrong.

It's also a great way for the narrator to get rid of antagonists after they've served their purpose.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Fri Feb 19, 2010 10:51 pm

LadyTevar wrote:I know that 'lazy drunks' wouldn't be in the Advanced Class... but I can see where two guys who have busted their ass would not be wanting even more training afterwards.

Basically, yeah. If they really were fuckups, they wouldn't be in the Advanced Classes. However...I don't see them keeping up with Alex, Amaya, Matthias, or Oquo at the rate they're going.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Mon Mar 08, 2010 7:18 pm

"Hat&Clogs" still has a unique way of teaching lessons.

He was perfect.

Tia, on the other hand... well.. I think you're starting to name-drop too much

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Mon Mar 08, 2010 8:44 pm

LavyTevar wrote:"Hat&Clogs" still has a unique way of teaching lessons. He was perfect.

Thanks! I also wanted to show that Nemu was lightening up, compared to who she was around her father, for those of us who've seen the show.

LadyTevar wrote:Tia, on the other hand... well.. I think you're starting to name-drop too much

She needed to be introduced as someone Amaya looks up to as almost a mother-figure for stuff later on; the scene was a bit sloppy, but it showed what needed be shown.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Sat Mar 13, 2010 10:23 pm

Eternal Tag doesn't count as training.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Sat Mar 13, 2010 10:29 pm

LadyTevar wrote:Eternal Tag doesn't count as training.

Especially on Sundays.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Fri Mar 19, 2010 5:54 pm

Great job :)

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Thu Apr 01, 2010 11:09 pm

Thank you. :)

I was thinking of making character profiles for the main characters, in the style of those in the Bleach wikia site. Of course, there'd be updates as events warrant.

Major re-working of the ideas behind chapter 11 - should hopefully be done this weekend.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Sat Apr 03, 2010 11:56 am

An interesting look into Amaya's past. I liked it.

Matthias' soul-edge is going to be the most powerful, imho. Having soul-crushing power is one thing -- knowing exactly where to strike to make it count I consider the better ability.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Mon Apr 05, 2010 5:03 pm

LadyTevar wrote:An interesting look into Amaya's past. I liked it.

Matthias' soul-edge is going to be the most powerful, imho. Having soul-crushing power is one thing -- knowing exactly where to strike to make it count I consider the better ability.

Keep in mind, as you see each character's soulegdge's awakening, you're seeing it in its most inefficient and flashy form. As you said, he doesn't have quite as much soul-crushing power as one or two of the others, but he'll know how to use it efficiently and where to use it for the most effect, generally.

As for Enervation's abilities, they're just about perfect for where he'll end up Division-wise.

And thank you for the complement of Amaya's past - making her the bratty little sister initially somehow seemed fitting - especially with what Zillah's personality is like now.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Sun Apr 18, 2010 4:03 pm

Now that was totally satisfying.

But you need to post the next chapter soon, so we can see who passed

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Sun Apr 18, 2010 6:43 pm

LadyTevar wrote:Now that was totally satisfying.

Thank you - a lot of what was going on with life in the past two weeks got channeled in that chapter, and I have to say I'm proud of how it turned out.

LadyTevar wrote:But you need to post the next chapter soon, so we can see who passed

Yes, yes I do. And now that I feel like I'm having to concentrate less on how something is written, I think I'll start including writer's notes to ask for specific feedback.

I'll start now in an unofficial capacity:

1. What did you think of the beginning of 12, which included the rest of Sunday? More specifically, what did you think of Amaya now?

2. Though it's been somewhat sloppily done, what do you think of how Amaya's been slowly "thawing" toward Alex over time?

3. What did you think of Alex's examination scene? Were there any parts that hit you harder than others, or drew you into the scene more?

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Thu Apr 29, 2010 7:05 pm

Well well well... It seems that the new girl is going to add many more challenges to the group.

And honestly... to 'nearly fail' him for killing MORE than the required 100? That is just the kind of nit-picking I'd see the Vice-Captain doing

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:25 pm

LadyTevar wrote:And honestly... to 'nearly fail' him for killing MORE than the required 100? That is just the kind of nit-picking I'd see the Vice-Captain doing

Exactly - give him a heart attack by telling him he almost failed, and make it seem like he passed by the skin of his ass.

It was also a minor way of knocking Alex down a peg - Vice Captain Ise knows from the recent war that arrogance can get you killed.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Mon May 10, 2010 6:52 pm

What did she do? Did the Hollow come out and she hurt someone?!

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Tue May 11, 2010 6:26 pm

I will only say that most of the guesses I've heard were similar, but none of them were more than half-right. That, and all should be revealed next chapter.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Fri May 21, 2010 4:04 pm

BRAVO BRAVO!!!

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Sat May 22, 2010 12:11 am

LadyTevar wrote:BRAVO BRAVO!!!

Thank you.

Rosa spoke the truth. Alex is in trouble.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Mon Jun 07, 2010 4:02 pm

1. Yes, you did well to have these conversations here.
2. the background on the Guardian Spirits was perfect.
3. Amaya, of course. The playfulness with the cooking was perfect.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Mon Jun 07, 2010 4:40 pm

LadyTevar wrote:1. Yes, you did well to have these conversations here.
2. the background on the Guardian Spirits was perfect.
3. Amaya, of course. The playfulness with the cooking was perfect.

Thank you, Tev. And yeah, I couldn't help but re-use the "fried chicken parts" line for Amaya - it fit.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Sat Jun 26, 2010 10:35 pm

Yes, that was extremely interesting.
It's really intriguing to find that one can dissipate kido like that. Jake's little 'party', however, is disturbing to consider. He's a bastard who's going to get his one day.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Sat Jun 26, 2010 11:05 pm

LadyTevar wrote:It's really intriguing to find that one can dissipate kido like that.

It should come as no surprise that Urahara's by far the best at it. However, the fine energetic senses Maelstrom grants Alex allow him to see the subtleties. Just because he can see them however doesn't mean he can do much about it without a lot of practice.

LadyTevar wrote:Jake's little 'party', however, is disturbing to consider. He's a bastard who's going to get his one day.

Plan for it.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Tue Jul 13, 2010 9:46 pm

I hope they find his dad as a minor hollow and beat the shit out of him.

Otherwise, it was a great chapter ... but for one thing.
GRIMMJAW?!?! YOU BROUGHT BACK GRIMMJAW AS A REAPER?!?!?!?! I OUGHTA SMACK THE SHIT OUTTA YOU FOR THAT!!!

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:11 pm

LadyTevar wrote:I hope they find his dad as a minor hollow and beat the shit out of him.

We'll see. Mostly, I'd planned his revenge as simply living well, despite not being in the foreground as much.

LadyTevar wrote:Otherwise, it was a great chapter ... but for one thing.
GRIMMJAW?!?! YOU BROUGHT BACK GRIMMJAW AS A REAPER?!?!?!?! I OUGHTA SMACK THE SHIT OUTTA YOU FOR THAT!!!

Yeah, I've had similar reactions from quite a few people for this. Honestly though, for the purpose, Grimm works perfectly. As Ichigo has Kenpachi as his nemesis, Alex will have Grimmjow.

Besides, it would've been Yoruichi otherwise, and I felt that would draw too many parallels between Alex and Ichigo, something I'm trying to avoid, in order to dodge Marty Stu-ism as much as I can.

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