Feedback for Charon
Moderator: LadyTevar
#1 Feedback for Charon
Go ahead! I can take it!
*whimpers in a corner*
*whimpers in a corner*
Moderator of Philosophy and Theology
- frigidmagi
- Dragon Death-Marine General
- Posts: 14757
- Joined: Wed Jun 08, 2005 11:03 am
- 19
- Location: Alone and unafraid
#2
Good story.
"it takes two sides to end a war but only one to start one. And those who do not have swords may still die upon them." Tolken
#3
This 'second chapter' I'm not so proud of. It just never seemed to come out quite like I wanted it too... Ah well.
Moderator of Philosophy and Theology
- rhoenix
- The Artist formerly known as Rhoenix
- Posts: 7998
- Joined: Fri Dec 22, 2006 4:01 pm
- 17
- Location: "Here," for varying values of "here."
- Contact:
#4
This is good stuff - if you plan on writing more, I look forward to reading it.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
- William Gibson
- William Gibson
Josh wrote:What? There's nothing weird about having a pet housefly. He smuggles cigarettes for me.
- LadyTevar
- Pleasure Kitten Foreman
- Posts: 13197
- Joined: Fri Jan 13, 2006 8:25 pm
- 18
- Location: In your lap, purring
- Contact:
#5
I'm very glad that Crimson manages to stay on his Good Side... and that Overload is around often enough to make sure there IS a Good Side
Dogs are Man's Best Friend
Cats are Man's Adorable Little Serial Killers
- rhoenix
- The Artist formerly known as Rhoenix
- Posts: 7998
- Joined: Fri Dec 22, 2006 4:01 pm
- 17
- Location: "Here," for varying values of "here."
- Contact:
#6
I liked your three short stories, and you're inspiring me to take a creative writing course myself.
I liked the flow of the stories, the cadence, the description, and the subtle fleshing-out of the characters. My one small complaint is a technical one, and one I can recognize because I do the same thing myself - string together too many parts of a sentence with commas, instead of making a new sentence.
Don't feel bad though - given your third short story, you already caught it and are working on it as a writer.
I liked the flow of the stories, the cadence, the description, and the subtle fleshing-out of the characters. My one small complaint is a technical one, and one I can recognize because I do the same thing myself - string together too many parts of a sentence with commas, instead of making a new sentence.
Don't feel bad though - given your third short story, you already caught it and are working on it as a writer.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
- William Gibson
- William Gibson
Josh wrote:What? There's nothing weird about having a pet housefly. He smuggles cigarettes for me.
- The Silence and I
- Disciple
- Posts: 561
- Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 10:09 pm
- 19
- Contact:
#8
Regarding the first story (I have not read the rest yet):
I... don't think there are enough descriptions in there. I can't even tell if Matt's earlobes are rounded and dangle a little or connect to his head in a direct line. Sheesh.
I... don't think there are enough descriptions in there. I can't even tell if Matt's earlobes are rounded and dangle a little or connect to his head in a direct line. Sheesh.
#9
Actually that third one is the first that I wrote for the class. But yeah the long sentences is a minor issue I have had for awhile.rhoenix wrote:I liked your three short stories, and you're inspiring me to take a creative writing course myself.
I liked the flow of the stories, the cadence, the description, and the subtle fleshing-out of the characters. My one small complaint is a technical one, and one I can recognize because I do the same thing myself - string together too many parts of a sentence with commas, instead of making a new sentence.
Don't feel bad though - given your third short story, you already caught it and are working on it as a writer.
Moderator of Philosophy and Theology
- The Silence and I
- Disciple
- Posts: 561
- Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 10:09 pm
- 19
- Contact:
#11
^^^Don't underestimate the dragons either...^^^
<><><><><>
Awesome--I was hoping I'd get to see what happened there and then
<><><><><>
Awesome--I was hoping I'd get to see what happened there and then
- frigidmagi
- Dragon Death-Marine General
- Posts: 14757
- Joined: Wed Jun 08, 2005 11:03 am
- 19
- Location: Alone and unafraid
#12
Damn dude.
"it takes two sides to end a war but only one to start one. And those who do not have swords may still die upon them." Tolken
- rhoenix
- The Artist formerly known as Rhoenix
- Posts: 7998
- Joined: Fri Dec 22, 2006 4:01 pm
- 17
- Location: "Here," for varying values of "here."
- Contact:
#13
Wow - that's some serious high-level magic there. For a wizard to pick a fight with a dragon who's apparently that powerful, his flaw must have been pride - after all, he was forced to kill them both to win.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
- William Gibson
- William Gibson
Josh wrote:What? There's nothing weird about having a pet housefly. He smuggles cigarettes for me.
- LadyTevar
- Pleasure Kitten Foreman
- Posts: 13197
- Joined: Fri Jan 13, 2006 8:25 pm
- 18
- Location: In your lap, purring
- Contact:
#14
But the wizard didn't pick a fight. He was just looking for his 'birdie'... that happened to fall on top of the dragon and shatter.
The dragon picked the fight, then. The wizard just finished it.
The dragon picked the fight, then. The wizard just finished it.
Dogs are Man's Best Friend
Cats are Man's Adorable Little Serial Killers
- rhoenix
- The Artist formerly known as Rhoenix
- Posts: 7998
- Joined: Fri Dec 22, 2006 4:01 pm
- 17
- Location: "Here," for varying values of "here."
- Contact:
#15
Yeah, that looked like a complete accident. Sure.LadyTevar wrote:But the wizard didn't pick a fight. He was just looking for his 'birdie'... that happened to fall on top of the dragon and shatter.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
- William Gibson
- William Gibson
Josh wrote:What? There's nothing weird about having a pet housefly. He smuggles cigarettes for me.
#16
The world may never know.rhoenix wrote:Yeah, that looked like a complete accident. Sure.LadyTevar wrote:But the wizard didn't pick a fight. He was just looking for his 'birdie'... that happened to fall on top of the dragon and shatter.
*goes back to writing other stories, or lazing about, much more likely the second*
Moderator of Philosophy and Theology