"They're Losers"

[Mared]

I'm putting this here (and not in the Ladies Forum) because I want the guys' opinions too....hell, let's face it. I need insight here!

I'm having an issue with my best friend. He and I have a long history together. We started as friends, then tried dating (in HS -- it didn't work out), then became friends again, then hooked up for a while. Through it all he's been someone I could count on most.

But lately things have changed. We've decided not to hook up anymore (his idea but I think it's a good thing) but he no longer wants to hang out with me (though he doesn't tell me why). We still talk all the time on the phone and by computer, but it's not the same.

Also, it's been getting worse. Lately, any guy who takes any interest what-so-ever in me he considers a loser, and instantly bashes. To him none of those guys are good enough.

Now, to me it seems like something is going on here. If a girl were doing this I'd say that there were feelings there. BUT....this is a guy, and I'm clueless. I feel as if he doesn't want me (dating, or otherwise) but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either.

His response is just to say that I'm developing feelings and I'll get hurt....that he doesn't want me to get hurt. But this has happened over and over again.

So I ask, does anyone have any insight????

Thanks in advance.

[Mayabird]

He sounds like a possessive asshole who can't get over the fact that you're not going to date him. It's like a little kid who, if being told that he can't hog some toy all to himself, will smash it so NOBODY can have it if he can't have it.

But, you'd better get more opinions than just myself. This may be a bit kneejerk of me, and I've been told that I can and often do achieve perfectly anti-Zenlike states of anger and rage.

[Stofsk]

That whole bit about how the guys who take an interest in you are 'not good enough' in his estimation does strike me as passive-aggressive.

[Something Awesome]

Maybe he's being protective, like an older brother who disapproves of his sister dating. However, even if this is the case and there's no selfish intent on his part, it's your life.

I'm guessing though that if you talk to him about it, he'll say that's what he's doing, and you'd have to judge whether he's being honest or not. If you ask him to knock it off, if he's really your best friend, he'll understand.

[Josh]

I agree with SA here. The likely truth is that he is being petty and passive aggressive, and that's a hard trap to avoid when you have romantic and quasi-romantic involvement as part of the equation, past or present. Talk to him, explain exactly what it is you see him doing and why it bothers you, and see what he says.

[Mared]

Thanks you guys....

Like I posted before the board went haywire, I did talk with him.

His response was "I don't know", but he did say very clearly that he is not protecting.

Since then I've gone on a trip across three states to visit a friend. Let's just say it didn't go over well. He decided that my choice to go was stupid, and that the guy again, was lacking in some basic human functions.

But....I'm dropping it...letting it go...and pretending not to let it bother me. He's my oldest and best friend. I can't just turn away from that.

But I see it clearly now: the way he gets when I'm having any type of fun, all possessive and angry.

Thanks for helping me see this for what it is.

If this "friend" only knew..... Oh well, chalk it up to another life lesson.