The Porn Equation

[Comrade Tortoise]

Well, a while back Derek Thunder and I decided to create a unit for the hardcoreness of porn. Now, we originally decided that we would use integral calculus to mdefine the unit, but we never actually derived the equation. I have done so.

Behold:

⌠FAP^k+FVP^k+FO+MF dP
⌡

Integrating with respect to P, where P denotes the sum of anal and vaginal Penetration, A is the Anal coefficient V is the Vaginal coefficient, and O is defined as an index of Oral Sex M is Masturbation, F is Fetish Content. K is an exponent ranking UN member nations that produce porn by the intrinsic wrongness of their production. For example, Japan is 192.

All of these indices must themselves be derived:

A=Σ(TaS/L)*R

Where Ta=Time spent doing anal sex per bout of anal sex, Sais the average scream decibel. These values are calculated each time anal sex is switched to, then added up across bouts of anal sex.
L is lube volume
R is the reacharound coefficient which is calculated as the fraction of the M term which is spent engaging in "giving a reacharound"

F=1+Σ((Tf)^n)

Tf=Time engaged in fetish activity. Defined as both object based, and copulatory paraphilias. Also, because there are an infinite number of them one simplifying assumption is that they are all created equal.
n is the number of simultaneous fetish activities

These are summed up every time a number of fetish activities is changed.

M=Σ(Tm*(1+E))

Tm is time spent masturbating
1+E is 1+the volume of ejaculate, male or female in mLs

O=Σ(To*1+((Eg/Wg)+El/Wl)

To is time spent engaging in oral sex
E is ejaculate, representing both male and female (sub g and sub l respectively) and W represents wasted ejaculate not consumed or ejected onto the face in the case of male ejaculate, or not squirted onto sheets or some other object like the male's face for female ejaculate.

P=(Σ(H/sec*Tp))

H/sec is thrusts per second. T is total time having sex. This is recalculated each time position is changed, and then summed across positions.

V=Σ(TvS)
Where Tv=Time spent doing vaginal sex per bout of vaginal sex, Svis the average scream decibel. These values are calculated each time vaginal sex is switched to, then added up across bouts of vaginal sex

Questions? Comments?

[General Havoc]

...

This is the worst thing ever.

[rhoenix]

...

This is the worst thing ever.

...what

Must I invoke the evils of Hamsterdance?

[Comrade Tortoise]

Also: because there is nothing explicit in here, I see no reason why it should be elsewhere. However if someone disagrees I would be happy to relocate.

[rhoenix]

*shrug*

The UNIX command to look up another user's profile has the following syntax:

Code: Select all

finger username

Math, science, and by extension the computer industry, are all filled with straight-faced perverts. Just get used to it now, and carry wet-wipes.

[Charon]

Well your problem is that you can't determine the intrinsic wrongness of the production of a nation's porn. Partly because I don't see a standard to which it is set, secondly because there is no intrinsic wrongness of the porn, just extrinsic wrongness of the porn, and if it's extrinsic, all value as a mathematical equation is lost.

[Devonie]

OMG.

Thanks for the "no, I can't tell you what I'm laughing about, ds1" giggle...

[Jason_Firewalker]

How does this equate to porn lacking vaginas or penises?