As always spoilers below.
Okay so today I went and subjected myself to the new G.I. Joe. Why? I've been a Joe fan since I was 7. I watched the cartoons, I read the comic books (the fucking awesome comic books by the way), played with the action figures, wanted to be a Joe when I grew up (I realized I couldn't be Captain America, but I honestly thought I could do this). I stuck with it all the way. I even tracked down and watched that most recent cartoon which was Godawful in my opinion (Cobra is Walmart? Really guys? Really?). That said I did miss things like Sigma Six. So my lore isn't all it could be. Basically if your family pet is gonna be put down, you wanna be there. So I was there.
The movie builds off the last one, which... Well... That wasn't a great movie so in alot of ways it's an anchor around their necks. Cobra Commander and Destro are held in prison (oh man it's a Gitmo of a prison to, under Germany, sure the Germans love that one), Zartan is impersonating the US President, and the Joes are sent to Pakistan to seize nuclear weapons as Pakistan falls apart into rioting and civil war following the assassination of the Pakistani President. In regards to Cobra Commander and Destro, we are told they are in prison, not shown. We are however shown the decision to go get Pakistani nukes (I'm sure this will not help Pakistani paranoia by the way). Here's a big problem in this movie, we are told things, not shown them. We are told that Jinx is Storm Shadow's cousin and therefore is suspected of having divided loyalties. We are told not shown that Lady Jaye's father was military and was disappointed that he didn't have a son because he didn't believe that women could be good soldiers. There are things they do show. We aren't told that Road Block and Duke are best buddies, they show us! We see in the opening Duke playing with Road Block's kids, we see them hanging out playing video games, having shooting contests (FYI, THERE IS NO PROMOTION OVER SGT MAJOR! IF ROAD BLOCK IS A SGT MAJOR HE CAN'T BE PROMOTED ANYMORE WITHOUT SENDING HIM TO OCS! FOR LOVE THE GOD THIS IS A MILITARY MOVIE DO SOME RESEARCH!) so we believe Road Block being affected by Duke's murder. This is one of the few things (besides some of the action scenes) done well in this movie.
Well the Joes of course secure and disarm Pakistani nukes and for their troubles are betrayed and mowed down via helicoptor gun ship. Zartan, still posing as the US President declares the GI JOES outlaws and replaces them with the special forces group C.O.B.R.A... Wait... DOES NO ONE NOTICE THAT HE'S USING AN ARMED FORCE THAT ISN'T MADE UP OF AMERICAN TROOPS USING THE SAME NAME AS OUR ENEMIES FROM THE LAST MOVIE?!? Seriously this like the President annoucing that the NAVY S.E.A.Ls were all guilty of treason and he had them taken out by our new covert ops team Al Qaeda! The dude keeps doing questionable shit and no one even bothers to ask questions!?! The president seems increasingly unstable and weird and everyone goes "well what you can do?"!?! This isn't a monarchy you dolts!
*Sigh* nevermind.
Our main heroes escape, but Duke as I mentioned dies, as does everyone else who wasn't named. The 3 survivors walk out of Pakistan into a airport in the middle of the desert and magically reappear in the US. Our border control really does need work doesn't it? We are told (not shown) Road Block's back story.
By the way the Rock does an okay job of playing Road Block I think but man... It's just like his character in Fast and Furious. Which doesn't thrill me here. That said... I'm not sure what else Johnson could have really done with what he was given.
There's a prison break out sequence which rises so many questions that... Fuck! Storm Shadow posing as Snake Eyes gets himself captured and sent to same prison as Cobra Commander. This prison is in Germany but is so far underground it's in international territory (wait, does that... even work? That can't be right can it?). This allows our warden who feels he must explain everything to the new prisoner. The prisoners are kept in tubes where they are injected with chemicals that paralysis everything but the heart, lungs and eyes. Jesus and I thought some of the Gitmo stories were bad. By the way how did they get Germany to agree to this shit? Why is it in Germany? Gitmo was used because the navy base was already a fortress and it's outside the actual US. Anyways, at this point Storm Shadow gives himself away and everyone... Just kinda shrugs and sticks him in a tube anyways.
Wait... What? Why did Storm Shadow need to pretend to be Snake Eyes? He's a massively wanted terrorist assassin! Also, you captured a rouge special forces member who is wanted for murder, treason and stealing Christmas... WHY DO YOU NOT TAKE HIS MASK OFF!?! Why didn't anyone check to make sure it was actually Snake Eyes under the mask? He's a member of the US Military! We would have his fucking finger prints and more! AAARRRGGGGHHHH!
Storm Shadow is part of a two man operation, Firefly attacks the outside of the prison Storm Shadow breaks out by stopping his heart, so they inject him with the antidote to the super paralysis chemical of doom. He then proceeds to ninja everyone to death. Firefly outside blows shit up and shoots his way in. ... Why did they need Storm Shadow in there? Why is only Firefly and Storm Shadow doing this when they have an army? They also leave Destro behind, he get's blown up when the warden manages to set the entire prison on fire. So Destro is dead... Fuckers.
I talk about the prison break so much because it's representative of the movie. Throughout this entire movie you will be asking yourself. Wait, why do you do that? Why are people randomly announcing things? Where did this plot element come from? Why didn't you show me things?
Cobra's plot turns out to be rather... Insane! See Zartan (posing as the President) manages to call everyone in for a nuclear disarmament summit. When the best everyone else is willing to give him is 50% cuts by 2016... HE LAUNCHES AMERICA'S NUCLEAR STOCKPILE AT EVERYONE!
I'm serious. So traditional American allies like England, Israel... And France I suppose? Disarm or taste radioactive death! The Chinese, Indians, Russians and North Koreans... Same thing. So of course everyone launches back. At this point Zartan blows up all of our missiles in midair (I'm really sure it doesn't work that way guys!) so of course... Everyone else does to. This is where Cobra Commander walks in and does the "YOU FOOLS!" annoucement declaring that his rods from God stations in orbit will now destroy their cities until they surrender complete control to COBRA! He then destroys London to prove his point.
Wait... Those satellites? .... WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY COME FROM!?! THEY'RE JUST OUT OF NOWHERE! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SET UP 7 HUGE SATELLITES IN ORBIT AND NO ONE NOTICES?!! ARRRAGGGHHH.
GI Joe of course saves the day and none of the implications of LONDON BEING DESTROYED or a terrorist impersonating the US President for months are ever touched on. Instead we get medals and Bruce Willis giving Dwyane Johnson General Patton's gun on live international T.V. so much for top secret operations group I guess.
This movie is full of plot holes, has average acting, lousy writing and pretty decent action scenes. Frankly? If you have to watch it, watch it on Netflicks.
The Final Grade for Hollywood ripping up my childhood?
D+
Still better then Transformers 2 but frankly so is paint drying!
