Blonde jokes

[Robert Walper]

Car Trouble

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome
leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a
while.
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other
blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,
"Hurry up!!! It looks like it's going to rain and we have left the top down!"


Blond Cops

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye"
The policeman says "Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile"
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a
picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "....think hard before giving a stupid answer"
The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM... the suspect is wearing contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that"
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his
face.
"WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such
an astute observation?"
"That's easy" the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"


Home Early

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"


Flying First Class

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman
asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the
blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."


Bull

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to
increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with
an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.
"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."
She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says:
"Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?"
"Comfortable," replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow. When she gets this, she will see 'COM-FOR-DA-BULL'."


Blonde And The Alligator

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his
mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his
free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A
hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly
spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."


Pharmacy

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.
The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman
and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."


Painter

A blond was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for
odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and said "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the
porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said the blond.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," the blond replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," she said, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Interpreter

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until
they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for
us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.


Shampoo

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice
he has a bad case of dandruff.
The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"


Oceans Of Blondes

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the
side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she
could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.
"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds," Because it is an ocean of wheat."
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of
us a bad name."
The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "if I could swim I
would come out there and kick your ass."


Breast Stroke

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition.
The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by
causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the
excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their
arms."


Breathalyzer Test

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her
window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your
registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the
woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports
car?"
"Yes." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes." replied the cop.
"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"


Jigsaw Puzzle

John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over."
Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."


Breast Feeding

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is
hanging out."
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you
aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"


Dildo

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for awhile, and
"can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy
is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good,
I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"


Passenger

A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for
first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains
that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she
gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that
this section of the plane doesn't go to California."


Doctor

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My
arm hurts, my leg hurts, my back hurts, my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a blonde?" "Yes, I was. I dye my hair." she
replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken."


Escapee

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde.
They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they
found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.
When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went,
"Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said,
"Potatoes."


Lunch

There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers working on top of a building. It was lunch time
and the Irishman opened his lunch pail, finding cabbage and beef. "If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off
of this building," he says.
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito. "If I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building," he
says. The blond man opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich. "If I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of
this building."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch pail and found cabbage and beef, so he jumped off the building to his death. Next, the
Mexican opened his lunch pail, and upon finding a burrito he jumped off as well. Finally, the blond guy opened his lunch pail and
found a bologna sandwich. He too jumped off the building.
The next day at their funeral the Irishman's wife said, "If only I knew that he didn't like cabbage and beef, I would surely have packed
him something else." The Mexican's wife said, "If only I knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else."
Finally, the blonde man's wife spoke. "I don't know what his problem was. He packed his own lunch."


Jealous Blond

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same
day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the
gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the
side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."
The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"


Mail

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She
opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she
came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man
asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid new computer keeps saying, "You've Got
Mail."


Emergency

This blonde came home to find her house on fire. She runs in and calls 911. When the operator answers she starts to scream "
Help me, help me, my house is on fire." The operator then asks " How do we get there?" to which the blonde replies, "Duh! Big red
truck..."


A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''


A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''
The blond yelled at the doctor...
''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''


A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, " it died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says: "what's the story?"
he replies: "just crap in the carburettor."
she says: " how often do I have to do that??"


A Blond and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blond looked skyward and
said, "Where, where?"


Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so
they turned around and went home.



They are not all dumb

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps
table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers
agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of
them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"


Blonde Finally Wins

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she
would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a
few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The
lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's
turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled
look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches
the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to
sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the
blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Surlethe]

How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of a swimming pool.

[Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman]

OOC: I guess we need a sticky Joke thread in GD to keep all the good jokes from being flushed away. :sad:

[Robert Walper]

OOC: I guess we need a sticky Joke thread in GD to keep all the good jokes from being flushed away. :sad:

Actually, I've suggested to the admins (on several occasions) that a humor forum or sub forum would be a great spot for jokes, funny pictures and amusing experiences shared. We could certainly fill it quickly, and it'd be a good attraction for the members.

[Surlethe]

OOC: I guess we need a sticky Joke thread in GD to keep all the good jokes from being flushed away. :sad:

Or people could just keep bumping this forever.

[Robert Walper]

OOC: I guess we need a sticky Joke thread in GD to keep all the good jokes from being flushed away. :sad:

Or people could just keep bumping this forever.

I think a forum would be far more efficient, and allows the jokes/humor to be catagorized by thread titles giving descriptions of the content.