Now that I've read your three chapters, I have a few comments.
First, the paragraphs in the first chapter needed to be broken up a bit more, especially the conversations. The next few chapters improved greatly.
Despite these early problems, you have great characterization and an interesting main character.
Overall, I'm very interested in seeing more of this story.
Dogs are Man's Best Friend
Cats are Man's Adorable Little Serial Killers
The best possible way I can think of to describe your style would be similar to Terry Pratchett, which is odd because though I've had the Discworld books recommended to me many times, I have not yet read them.
To elaborate - your style almost feels Tolkien-ish with how your sentences are paced, with little tongue-in-cheek items here and there that make sure you can't read the chapter with a straight face. The best way I can put it is that you make the absurd look dignified; something like a tone-deaf goblin who wears a tophat & pocketwatch, and refuses to do anything where crumpets aren't involved; to do otherwise would be undignified, of course.
I look forward to reading more, I chuckled a couple times reading this so far.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
- William Gibson
Josh wrote:What? There's nothing weird about having a pet housefly. He smuggles cigarettes for me.
Aww thank you Tev -looks at socks- The first chapter I have redone three times, and I still find small grammar mistakes and just..weird wording in it. I think its one of the harder ones because I feel like I'm introducing you to the world. I need to figure out and stick with how I want to show monologue thoughts, dialogue, and action, because I know I keep varying a bit how I differentiate them. And I -do- need to whack out some of chapter one.
I'm having fun with Aleks, he's like another person in my head ( Note: I have been tested, its just my imagination, not MPD) and he tells me what hes doing, otherwise I'd be worried about effeminate-ing him.
I;ve also never read Pratchett, though he's recommended. And yeah I like putting in my smirk-shots. I do it like my regular conversations, I get bored if theres no little hints of sugar!
I'm actually stalling on the next part, its the same first- date shyness all over again. He has to meet the other main character, and its all important to get it right and Im intimidated. Shes kind of bad ass, and she might punch me in the face if I screw her up >.>
Last edited by Limepink on Sun Jun 20, 2010 11:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Knowledge without passion is clinical and cruel. Passion without knowledge is misguided and weak.
In the East they tell you to cover your body, in the West they tell you to cover your mind.
It fills me with fear and hope, that Resolution, Revolution, and Revelation, are so close.
