I have a new sig quote from this one:
Judges God delivers Jews from enemies. Jews fuck up. God delivers Jews unto enemies. Repeat ad nauseam.
1 - Oh shit, here come the Jews
We pick up the story with Joshua. Or rather we don't pick up the story with Joshua, because he's dead. He probably herniated his scrotum blowing a horn and died. Anyhow, God didst indeed promiseth the children of Israel the land, but then he did spake unto his people SIKE. The Jews are wondering just how the fuck they're going to take all this land God promised them from the dirty peoples that people it without their late horribly herniated hebrew hero, when God saith unto them Naw, for reals. I got your back, cuz y'all my niggaz.
So, off to cleanse the land of Infidels. The house of Judah and their sidekick Simeonites did it right. They killed all the Canaanites in their land, they cut of the thumbs and big toes of the Canaanite king, then they sacked Jerusalem, killed everyone there and burned the place to the ground for good measure. God fucking loves Jerusalem, let me tell you. The house of Joseph did OK and cleansed most of the infidels, but the house of Joseph's little fuck-up brother Benjamin didn't. Neither did Ephraim, nor Zebulon, nor Asher, nor Naphtali, nor anyone else, really.
God delivered the Jews. They fucked up. And the Lord is Pissed.
2 - Fuck all y'all
God was so fucking pissed he couldn't even say shit to anyone. So he sent one of his harp-toting homies to harp on his half-assing Hebrews.
What the fuck? I gave unto y'all dis nice-ass crib, and y'all gots to go and fuck it all up. What the fuck is the infidels doing here? I done tole y'all to kill all they idolatin' asses dead.
OK, OK, here's the deal: since y'all can't do dis shit right, I'm gonna make all y'all wear these stupid little hats. Naw, that shit's too harsh. I'm just gonna leave all these heathen motherfuckers here so they can fuck with y'all. And I ain't gonna do shit about it. Goddamn stupid-ass motherfuckers.
3 - Fatty Stabbing with Ehud
God likes to act like he's st8 thuggin 4 lyfe, but he's not a real gangsta. Not really. He'd given the Israelites the silent treatment and letting the Rednecks, er, Moabites and their fat fuck of a king beat up on them, but he just couldn't stand it anymore. So he got a left-handed Hebrew named Ehud to deliver a message to Eglon, and by message I mean sword and by deliver I mean stab.
So, Ehud skipped off to go see King Eglon with a goddamn foot-and-a-half long sword strapped to his right thigh in a scroll pouch. Did his guards say anthing about this Hebrew motherfucker with a sword-shaped bulge in his pants? Of course not. He walked right into the palace and gave tribute to King Eglon, and asked to give him a secret message from God--alone. So Eglon sent everyone away.
Let's think about this: would George Bush send the secret service away so he could talk in private with some crazy looking dude in a keffiya carrying a bag? No, because W isn't near as stupid as Eglon.
So, Ehud stabbed Eglon so hard the sword disappeared into his fat rolls, jumped out a window and got away because all Eglon's guards and attendants thought he was just taking a shit. With a Hebrew. That's right, Moabites are some dumb motherfuckers. Then he led the Israelites into battle and routed the Moabites, and that's damning with faint praise.
4 - Delivered Unto Bitches
The Jews fucked up again. Whoever wrote Judges didn't even bother to say why, just that they fucked up. Whatever. Anyway, God was pissed, so he handed them over to King Jabin of the Mexicanaanites, who the Israelites were supposed to have killed off in the first place. Jabin only had 900 Iron Chariots, but he pimped them out with spinnaz and the Jews fled screaming "They don't stop!". And they didn't.
God put Deborah in charge of this bunch of dumbasses who can't stand up to spinnaz. She was a horrible attention whore who held court beneath a palm tree, but that was fine by God because he got to look down her blouse all day. She told Barak to get a bunch of those fuckups from Zebulun and Naphtali to get ready, because God was going to deliver the rides of Canaan into their hands.
Barak was too much of a little bitch, and said "But they have spinnaz! Spinnaz AND Dubz! You've seen how they roll!", so Deborah said "You're a little bitch, so God's going to deliver the Canaanites to a bitch." She goes off with Barak, they jack the Canaanites' rides, but the Canaanite General Sisera escapes. Barak was too fucking scared to chase him, so Deborah tells him "Get off your ass and chase him you fucking queen."
Sisera, pursued by 10,000 milquetoast Naphtali and Zebulon Woody Allen wannabes, jumped into a tent and says "hide me." Then he went to sleep, and the wife of the tent owner hammered a tent peg through his head.
BAM! Delivered unto bitches.
5 - Musical Intermission
Barak, being gayer than a stack of strawberry pancakes, broke into song. It starts like this.
When the princes in Israel take the lead, when the people willingly offer themselves--praise the LORD!
Hear this, you kings! Listen, you rulers! I will sing to the LORD, I will sing; I will make music to the LORD, the God of Israel.
O LORD, when you went out from Seir, when you marched from the land of Edom, the earth shook, the heavens poured, the clouds poured down water.
...and so on and so forth. Try to sing that shit. I fucking dare you.
6 - Gideon, or what the fuck is this Bible doing in my motel room?
Once again, the Jews have fucked up. We can pretty much take that as a given. God was so fucking pissed that he sent the hippies, er, the Midianites to opress them. They descended on the land like the biggest fucking Phish concert in human history. Did they kill the Jews? No, they ate all their food and slept on their lawns and played hackey sack in their temples. There was not a bong in the land of Israel that they did not bogart. From the Jordan to the Nile their bongoes echoed into the night.
After a few years, the Jews were damn near broke. There's nothing quite so wrong as a broke Jew, so God took pity on them. He came down from on high and spoke to Gideon, who was hiding his wheat in a winepress so the Midianites wouldn't eat it.
"That's some sad shit right there."
"But sir! The hippie Midianites will eat all of it if we don't hide it. The Lord has abandoned us. Woe is us. Life stinks."
"I brought y'all's sorry asses out of Egypt. I'll put you back."
"I didn't mean to blaspheme. I'm just a pathetic emo scenester who's allergic to pot. My brothers are always picking on me. I mean what can I do?"
"Bring me a goat."
"A what?"
"Hebrew, motherfucker. Do you speak it? I said bring. me. a. motherfucking. GOAT. Don't come back till you found one."
Gideon ran out of the winepress and found a goat. He brought it back, and God set it on fire.
"Holy shit, you set that goat on fire. YOU REALLY ARE GOD!"
"What I done tole you? You my nigga, I got your back. Go fuck up some Midianite shit."
So Gideon went out at night and vandalized some Midianite stuff, and they got all pissed and ran him off while his dad covered for him. He fled, and tried to gather the loser houses of Naphtali, Asher, and Zebulon.
7 - 32,000 mouthbreathers is 31,700 too many
Naphtali, Asher, Zebulon, and Manasseh may be composed mainly of retards, but that's still a lot of retards.
"Damn, Gideon. That's a lot of retards. I mean, I'm omnipotent and shit, but even my almighty ass can't do shit with this clusterfuck."
"I know, why don't we hold the Special Olympics?"
"Dat's a good idea, Gideon. I knew I picked yo sorry ass for a reason."
And so, the Special Olympics of ancient warfare was held. Gideon sent home everyone who couldn't tie his own shoes or admitted to being a chickenshit. Then he had them drink from the river, and anyone who stuck his head in the water got sent home.
"Only 300 men? Gosh, how are we ever going to beat the Midianites with only 300 men?"
"Shut the fuck up fore I set you on fire like dat goat. Why don't you lose the turtleneck and the glasses, put on some patchouli, and go listen to what the Midianites are saying?"
Gideon went to the Midianite camp, and he heard two Midianites talking about how fucked up they got last night were and what strange dreams they were having. One said that he dreamt a loaf of bread knocked his tent over. Another said that obviously meant that Emo fucker who vandalized their shit was going to kill them all.
Discounting the possibility that stoners have really dumb dreams, Gideon went back to his crack not-retarded force. They blew horns and waved torches to confuse the Midianites who, having got their hands on a bad batch of weed that made them paranoid, proceeded to run away while killing one another.
8 - Party hard
And Gideon did party, and ruled over the Israelites and fathered 70 sons. When he died, the Israelites fucked up again.
8 - Abimelech
One of Gideon's sons was a real fuckup. So much of a fuckup that he killed 68 of his brothers, leaving only Jotham alive. He got himself made king of Israel, too, but before he did Jotham was able to address a crowd at Abimelech's coronation.Jotham wrote:One day the trees went out to anoint a king for themselves. They said to the olive tree, 'Be our king.'
"But the olive tree answered, 'Should I give up my oil, by which both gods and men are honored, to hold sway over the trees?'
"Next, the trees said to the fig tree, 'Come and be our king.'
"But the fig tree replied, 'Should I give up my fruit, so good and sweet, to hold sway over the trees?'
"Then the trees said to the vine, 'Come and be our king.'
"But the vine answered, 'Should I give up my wine, which cheers both gods and men, to hold sway over the trees?'
"Finally all the trees said to the thornbush, 'Come and be our king.'
"The thornbush said to the trees, 'If you really want to anoint me king over you, come and take refuge in my shade; but if not, then let fire come out of the thornbush and consume the cedars of Lebanon!'
If you know what the fuck that means, you're a better man than I. Anyway, Abimelech's rule was a complete disaster, and he was killed when a woman dropped a rock on his head while he was laying siege to a town. As he lay dying, he had his aide stab him to death so nobody would say he was killed by a woman.
10 - Dodo's granson didn't suck
...fter the time of Abimelech a man of Issachar, Tola son of Puah, the son of Dodo, rose to save Israel. He lived in Shamir, in the hill country of Ephraim.
He led Israel twenty-three years; then he died, and was buried in Shamir...
That's really all you need to know about this chapter, other than God got pissed with the Israelites for idolating again. This time he sent the Ammonites.
11 - Don't let your mouth write no checks your tail can't burn as an offering
To deliver the Jew crew from the Ammonites, a badass named Jephthah from Gilead stepped up. Jephthah's mom was a hooker, and Jephthah is ancient Hebrew for Sue. The Israelites picked Jephthah to lead them against the Ammonites, and Jephthah vowed to God:
"If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the yours, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering."
"OK, dumbass."
Now what comes out of your door to meet you when you get home? Sure enough, Jephthah laid waste to the Ammonites, got home, and his favorite dog came out to meet him. Ha ha, just kidding. You though the poor doggy was going to get sacrificed. No, it was actually his daughter who came out first. Unlike with Abraham and Isaac, no angel came down. She got sacrificed as a burnt offering.
:thumbsup