Help the social retard through some situations

[Destructionator XV]

I am pretty terrible in most social situations. I find communicating with my computers to be significantly easier than communication with other people.

In many situations when talking to other people, my poor brain just locks up attempting to determine the correct response. I am hoping you guys can help me determine responses to a few situations I face often but have no good answer for. Here are a few:


Someone says to me out of the blue "I don't feel well." What am I supposed to do or say at that point? There is nothing I can do to solve the problem; I am not even qualified to give any general tips beyond what is painfully obvious to everyone. Often my response is simply "that sucks" then either silence or an random changing of the subject. Is there a better thing to do?

What about when someone says "what do you think of this", regarding fashion or colours or something? Fashion makes no sense to me; I know of no rational criteria to judge if one colour or one fashion is superior to another so I often just respond with a generic "it's ok" or "I don't even know". Is there a better way to handle this?

Or when someone just suffered some kind of loss and decides to tell me. What the hell am I supposed to do about it? My brain generally just loops there, not knowing what to say or do, so I remain awkwardly silent. What is the correct course of action?


I'm sure there is more, but it will take me some time to check the logs to find them. Will ask as they come up.

Thanks, all.

[Scottish Ninja]

I can't help you because I'm exactly the same way.

[Mayabird]

Someone says to me out of the blue "I don't feel well." What am I supposed to do or say at that point? There is nothing I can do to solve the problem; I am not even qualified to give any general tips beyond what is painfully obvious to everyone. Often my response is simply "that sucks" then either silence or an random changing of the subject. Is there a better thing to do?

I ask what's wrong and if there's anything I can do to help.

What about when someone says "what do you think of this", regarding fashion or colours or something? Fashion makes no sense to me; I know of no rational criteria to judge if one colour or one fashion is superior to another so I often just respond with a generic "it's ok" or "I don't even know". Is there a better way to handle this?

I just tell people what I think, and they eventually learn never to ask me what I think about fashion because my opinions have nothing to do with what the rest of the world thinks or is supposed to think, if that's what they're asking.

"What do you think of this dress?"
"It's shiny."
"Do you think it looks good?"
"It's got a lot of excess fabric draped around and the blue looks unnatural. But it's shiny."

Or when someone just suffered some kind of loss and decides to tell me. What the hell am I supposed to do about it? My brain generally just loops there, not knowing what to say or do, so I remain awkwardly silent. What is the correct course of action?

I don't know, since I'm bad with this, too.

[frigidmagi]

Try asking what's wrong on the I don't feel well thing or I'm sorry to hear that. Don't say it if you don't mean it however.

On the color thing, most of the time they just want to be sure they don't look like a retarded idiot whose mother dresses them funny. Either tell them they do or tell them they look fine. Again I suggest honesty, (although sometimes dishonesty is more fun.

[Mayabird]

Addenum on the clothes: if they're just asking generally if something looks good or not and nothing to do with fashion, I just say if I like it or not. I pretty much agree with anything, so if even I think that something is ugly/tacky/stupid, they can absolutely confirm that something is a fashion disaster.

On that note, don't you ever show up to a wedding "fashionably late" wearing a bright gold sports jacket and orange sunglasses. Some dipshit did that at one of my best friends' wedding, and it was disgusting and tacky, especially since they had done a very good job making it beautiful and tasteful. He also came with his girlfriend, who is the type that wears clothes that are way too tight for her body size in bright pink. You know what I mean.

[Shark Bait]

I am pretty terrible in most social situations. I find communicating with my computers to be significantly easier than communication with other people.

Thats because computers are better than people in most ways.

In many situations when talking to other people, my poor brain just locks up attempting to determine the correct response. I am hoping you guys can help me determine responses to a few situations I face often but have no good answer for. Here are a few:


Someone says to me out of the blue "I don't feel well." What am I supposed to do or say at that point? There is nothing I can do to solve the problem; I am not even qualified to give any general tips beyond what is painfully obvious to everyone. Often my response is simply "that sucks" then either silence or an random changing of the subject. Is there a better thing to do?

Yes go with the obvious say "oh I'm sorry whats wrong" when they tell you offer the stupid common sense advice headach, take some ibuprophen lie down, stomach bug, take some pepto lie down. Deep horrible depression or other emotinal difficulties, well thats a little harder perhaps offer to listen or say maybe you should see a therapist/parent/preist, or whoever you go to when such is a problem.

What about when someone says "what do you think of this", regarding fashion or colours or something? Fashion makes no sense to me; I know of no rational criteria to judge if one colour or one fashion is superior to another so I often just respond with a generic "it's ok" or "I don't even know". Is there a better way to handle this?

Ok here this may help a bit, it explains color theory and how colors should be paired. As for fashion ask a fleshy I have no idea either, my stand by response is often the yeah you look fine, or simply an aprasal of what is appropriate for the situation. (like no shorts at a formal function)

Or when someone just suffered some kind of loss and decides to tell me. What the hell am I supposed to do about it? My brain generally just loops there, not knowing what to say or do, so I remain awkwardly silent. What is the correct course of action?

Say you are sorry/feel for them and offer to be there for them, just generally be supportive, sounds corny I know but this is often what people want to hear. That there is someone they can trust who can listen to their problems who will not judge them too harshly and will support their decisions.

Thats the best I can do I'm somewhat clumbsy in social situations myself so I fall back on psychology, not saying you should take up psych, some of it is just fulfilling the expected role of saying you are there for them.

[Stofsk]

I am pretty terrible in most social situations. I find communicating with my computers to be significantly easier than communication with other people.

It's easier because it's really not communication. A human's response to a given scenario can be random and unpredictable (or completely predictable - depends on the person), and as such social skills reflect a need to be able to think on your toes and sense where things are going, like a conversation (is this person I'm talking to annoyed at me but too polite to say anything? Does this chick want me? etc).

Don't try to equate computers with people. I can't see the equivalence.

Someone says to me out of the blue "I don't feel well." What am I supposed to do or say at that point? There is nothing I can do to solve the problem;

Why do you automatically assume:

1. There is nothing you can do to solve the problem?

2. That they want you to solve the problem?

Granted it seems a bit silly to burden someone with your problems if you don't expect them to help you solve it, but sometimes people just want to feel like somebody cares about them. They could be - especially if the person is female - want someone's shoulder to cry on. Some people just say "I had a shit day at work" and don't expect anything from you except to hear them bitch and rant, or cry about the injustice of the world. It's like venting in real life, in fact that's why we HAVE a permanent venting thread here and elsewhere: because periodically the day-to-day crap builds up and if you let it build up too much you'll explode or implode (depending on your personality) and neither is a terribly attractive prospect.

When someone - I presume a friend but you didn't specify - says "I don't feel well" that's usually a sign they want some kind of support. Note that 'feel well' is vague so it could mean "I've got a cold" or "I'm feeling depressed" or "I'm feeling stressed about something". In all cases just try talking to them and getting them to vent their feelings about what is eating them up.

What about when someone says "what do you think of this", regarding fashion or colours or something? Fashion makes no sense to me; I know of no rational criteria to judge if one colour or one fashion is superior to another so I often just respond with a generic "it's ok" or "I don't even know". Is there a better way to handle this?

Yes - learn about fashion.

You might find fashion to be a waste of time but it doesn't have to be. Part of fashion is what you choose to present to the world about your appearance. Some might say appearances aren't really important but that's not the point. People put stock into their appearance because it shows a level of self-esteem - notice the difference between someone who shaves regularly and grooms himself well and someone who doesn't? Which do you think has more self-esteem? I can't speak for anyone else but myself, but I have a tendency to let myself go when I get depressed, and sometimes a change in appearance is enough to make yourself feel a little bit better. Ever heard of the saying "If you look good you feel good"?

Making yourself look good is also a part of socialising. So if you treat fashion as one factor of your appearance, you can see why it's important for communicating with other people, and why some people feel insecure about it.

This stuff isn't exactly rocket science though, some colours for example shouldn't be worn in combination, some colours just shouldn't be worn period (green for example); some things are obviously gaudy and tacky, and are entirely inappropriate to wear at certain venues, etc.

Or when someone just suffered some kind of loss and decides to tell me. What the hell am I supposed to do about it? My brain generally just loops there, not knowing what to say or do, so I remain awkwardly silent. What is the correct course of action?

This one is always a tough one, and it's only worse when you're closer to the person than not, because in addition to feeling helpless you also feel like you've gotta do something. In situations where someone has suffered a death in the family (for example) the kind of support that really matters is just being there for the person.

[Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman]

I am pretty terrible in most social situations. I find communicating with my computers to be significantly easier than communication with other people.

In many situations when talking to other people, my poor brain just locks up attempting to determine the correct response.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you talking in more specific context? I mean, is the communication difficulties you were talking about actually communicating with women?

First I apologize to all ladies in the board if I sound sexist, because my answer will be gender-specific. But then again, it's all just my experience.

Now let's take a look at your examples:

Someone says to me out of the blue "I don't feel well." What am I supposed to do or say at that point?

If a male friend of mine says the same to me, my answer would be 'take some aspirin' or 'go see the doctor' or 'man, that sucks' and be done with it. Of course, I won't feel burdened to solve his problem, because I know that (at least in most cases) he won't mind my short answer at all; he is just ranting out and doesn't really expect me to solve his problem. If anything, he'll really take some aspirin afterwards.

Conversely, when I said to someone 'I don't feel well' or 'my teeth is killing me', I don't expect them to sympathize with me or solving my problem; it is just me ranting out, and a short answer like 'uh-hunh' would be more than sufficient for me.

However, when a *girlfriend* said such thing, I always *know* that she won't be satisfied with short answer. In fact, if I just say 'that sucks' or 'take some pills', that would lead to a breakup.

Well, now of course I won't be able to solve her problem ("alright, you're not feeling well. Now do I look like a goddamn doctor or something?"). Based on my own experience, the first and foremost mistake we tend to do is trying to solve the problem. That actually what sends our brain into endless loops, because we're trying to solve a problem we're not qualified to do so.

Nope, if someone says such thing to you, in most cases they don't want you to solve the problem; they want you to sympathy with them. So stop trying to solve her problem and start expressing your sympathy.

What about when someone says "what do you think of this", regarding fashion or colours or something? Fashion makes no sense to me;

This is actually the biggest reason of my suspicion; you have difficulties in communicating with women. More specifically, a woman special to you.

Well now I don't understand fashion either, but unless it is really campy or outlandish (or exorbitantly expensive), I usually nod with an approving expression. Or if I really want to make her happy, I will say "it really looks beautiful on you" or such.

See, of course she understands fashion much more than me, and rationally she won't ever need my opinion. Well, here's a hint: when a woman ask you such question, she does NOT actually need your opinion; she asks for your approval.


By the way, why do I assume only women would ever ask such question? Again, I don't mean to be a sexist pig, but based on my own experience, men rarely ask "what do you think of this" question (particularly when it goes to fashion). Based on my experience, we tend to be more specific when asking opinion. You know, things like "I need a video card with the best FSAA in town, but still retains backward compatibility with older games. Which one should I take?"

Or when someone just suffered some kind of loss and decides to tell me.

This one is actually a more general example, but the answer is the same with the first case; just express your sympathy.

But then again, it is always harder than it sounds, because many people I know have difficulties expressing their sympathy, even when they genuinely feel sympathy with the person. I know, because I happen to be one as well. Sometimes it's very difficult to find the right words.

But don't worry, because sometimes words don't really matter. Sometimes, a pat on the shoulder with sincerity is better than lenghty words.

[Narsil]

Someone says to me out of the blue "I don't feel well." What am I supposed to do or say at that point?

Say: "Oh bugger, what's up?" and give them someone to vent upon. Works for me.

What about when someone says "what do you think of this", regarding fashion or colours or something? Fashion makes no sense to me;

(assuming female, and in pseudo visual basic code to make you feel more at home)

Ask self: "Does she look nice in this?"

If Yes = True Then

Say "Aye, looks nice."

Else

Say: "It could be better " &why

Or when someone just suffered some kind of loss and decides to tell me.

There's no easy answer to this one. Even less so than the previous ones. With a loss, people just need to vent, or a shoulder to cry on.