Author Feedback: Frigidmagi
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- frigidmagi
- Dragon Death-Marine General
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#26
Warren returns in Lost in the Woods
Thanks are due to Nitram for aide on gnomish names and other things, CT for general overviews on gnomish behavior and as always on this series Cat for going over it before I posted.
Thanks are due to Nitram for aide on gnomish names and other things, CT for general overviews on gnomish behavior and as always on this series Cat for going over it before I posted.
"it takes two sides to end a war but only one to start one. And those who do not have swords may still die upon them." Tolken
#27
Interesting. I missed what tackled the half-orc the first time. I presume it wasn't the wereboar, as the half-orc wasn't dead or a lycanthrope when he showed up the second time...
The Paladin's Domain, My Blog (Updated 5/18/2009)
"Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils." -- General John Stark
"A fortress circumvented ceases to be an obstacle.
A fortress destroyed ceases to be a threat.
Do not forget the difference."
"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." -- G. K. Chesterton
"Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils." -- General John Stark
"A fortress circumvented ceases to be an obstacle.
A fortress destroyed ceases to be a threat.
Do not forget the difference."
"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." -- G. K. Chesterton
#28
Well I rather like Warren, he seems to be in the Han Soloish mould. His motivations are believable, and his actions are consistent, so Warren as a character works.
I note a bit of parody of fantasy tropes, which is a bit odd when mixed with reasonably gritty combat, but it does work.
My one little note is the episodic nature of the pieces, it does work, but it niggles me a bit at times. That of course could be my love of embroidering the setting, as opposed to frigidmagi's more sparse style; some would call me verbose after all :)
In fact I only have one real quibble: there ain't nothing wrong with the word "said" and avoid Swiftisms e.g.: "It will rain tomorrow," Tom said precipitously. That too is a stylistic thing, I've told Big Steve the same thing.
I note a bit of parody of fantasy tropes, which is a bit odd when mixed with reasonably gritty combat, but it does work.
My one little note is the episodic nature of the pieces, it does work, but it niggles me a bit at times. That of course could be my love of embroidering the setting, as opposed to frigidmagi's more sparse style; some would call me verbose after all :)
In fact I only have one real quibble: there ain't nothing wrong with the word "said" and avoid Swiftisms e.g.: "It will rain tomorrow," Tom said precipitously. That too is a stylistic thing, I've told Big Steve the same thing.
- frigidmagi
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#29
Okay question: Warren III will basically pick up right where Warren II left off with a gap of maybe a couple hours at most in story time. That being said should Warren III (haven't even decided on the title yet, I'm thinking Woodland Rukus or something like that) be a seperate post or attached to Warren II?
I leave it up to you.
I leave it up to you.
"it takes two sides to end a war but only one to start one. And those who do not have swords may still die upon them." Tolken
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#30
I'd make it a new reply to the original post, meself.
Half-Damned, All Hero.
Tev: You're happy. You're Plotting. You're Evil.
Me: Evil is so inappropriate. I'm ruthless.
Tev: You're turning me on.
I Am Rage. You Will Know My Fury.
Tev: You're happy. You're Plotting. You're Evil.
Me: Evil is so inappropriate. I'm ruthless.
Tev: You're turning me on.
I Am Rage. You Will Know My Fury.
#31
Read part 1 of your Forgotten Realms story. It was entertaining and interesting, if lacking in necessary commas and breaks here and there.
I'll be reading Part 2 later.
I'll be reading Part 2 later.
Chatniks on the (nonexistant) risks of the Large Hadron Collector:
"The chance of Shep talking his way into the control room for an ICBM is probably higher than that." - Seth
"Come on, who wouldn't trade a few dozen square miles of French countryside for Warp 3.5?" - Marina
"The chance of Shep talking his way into the control room for an ICBM is probably higher than that." - Seth
"Come on, who wouldn't trade a few dozen square miles of French countryside for Warp 3.5?" - Marina
- frigidmagi
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#32
Okay The Beat of the Drums is from the universe being hammered out in The Sci-fi thread here
Comments, complaints and suggestions are welcome in both threads.
Comments, complaints and suggestions are welcome in both threads.
"it takes two sides to end a war but only one to start one. And those who do not have swords may still die upon them." Tolken
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#33
I have to say, I like... Especially the dolphin...
"Nothing in biology makes sense except in the light of evolution."
- Theodosius Dobzhansky
There is no word harsh enough for this. No verbal edge sharp and cold enough to set forth the flaying needed. English is to young and the elder languages of the earth beyond me. ~Frigid
The Holocaust was an Amazing Logistical Achievement~Havoc
- Theodosius Dobzhansky
There is no word harsh enough for this. No verbal edge sharp and cold enough to set forth the flaying needed. English is to young and the elder languages of the earth beyond me. ~Frigid
The Holocaust was an Amazing Logistical Achievement~Havoc
- Stofsk
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#34
I like it too. It's good for a first draft. I don't think I've read any of your work before.
-spelling, punctuation errors, I noticed some mistakes that you can go over an fix. 'Women' when you refer to a singular 'woman' for instance.
-Dorian's report to the Senate could be broken up into several paragraphs. I like the creepy 'manifest destiny' stuff that seems to be the Asseverate's agenda.
-the Senate called for war pretty quick.
-problem: overuse of metaphor. Several times you refer to the Humanity League as children. I get the idea you're trying to invoke, but just be careful about throwing around metaphors. A few times is enough for the idea to transmit to the reader, overuse of it gets boring. Similarly, Dorian referring to Fielder as 'my son' in every exchange, it comes across as awkward. You also have to explain what terms like 'Jotan' means. I get that it means bodyguard or warrior, or something, but be precise in your writing.
All in all I like it.
-spelling, punctuation errors, I noticed some mistakes that you can go over an fix. 'Women' when you refer to a singular 'woman' for instance.
-Dorian's report to the Senate could be broken up into several paragraphs. I like the creepy 'manifest destiny' stuff that seems to be the Asseverate's agenda.
-the Senate called for war pretty quick.
-problem: overuse of metaphor. Several times you refer to the Humanity League as children. I get the idea you're trying to invoke, but just be careful about throwing around metaphors. A few times is enough for the idea to transmit to the reader, overuse of it gets boring. Similarly, Dorian referring to Fielder as 'my son' in every exchange, it comes across as awkward. You also have to explain what terms like 'Jotan' means. I get that it means bodyguard or warrior, or something, but be precise in your writing.
All in all I like it.
- frigidmagi
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#35
Quick note Stofsk... It's not a metaphor for the Asseverate. Otherwise your points are good if you can point out the spelling grammer errors I'll correct them and see about what I can do for the rest of it.Several times you refer to the Humanity League as children. I get the idea you're trying to invoke, but just be careful about throwing around metaphors.
"it takes two sides to end a war but only one to start one. And those who do not have swords may still die upon them." Tolken
#37
Very well done. I like how you put it so plainly that Warmachines outdo their civilian brethren so succintly. Also, more old warbots for the win!
Moderator of Philosophy and Theology
#39
Very nice beginning. I loved how you had the fancy new stuff that we the readers aren't used to as something that the characters in the story were very used to and you still gave enough information to inform the reader while keeping the tech very "everyday".
There are a few spelling errors, but those happen in every story.
There are a few spelling errors, but those happen in every story.
Moderator of Philosophy and Theology
- The Silence and I
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#40
Is good. I liked the way you describe living underground as normal for these people. If you post more I'll read it.
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#42
I am going to say here what I said in person. I love the Noir style
"Nothing in biology makes sense except in the light of evolution."
- Theodosius Dobzhansky
There is no word harsh enough for this. No verbal edge sharp and cold enough to set forth the flaying needed. English is to young and the elder languages of the earth beyond me. ~Frigid
The Holocaust was an Amazing Logistical Achievement~Havoc
- Theodosius Dobzhansky
There is no word harsh enough for this. No verbal edge sharp and cold enough to set forth the flaying needed. English is to young and the elder languages of the earth beyond me. ~Frigid
The Holocaust was an Amazing Logistical Achievement~Havoc
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#43
The mystery thickens! I think you could use an editor though, a couple parts gave me comprehension difficulties here.
Also: the cube's "face" looking at the camera is not difficult--since the original footage has been doctored somehow it isn't hard to make the digital image "look" in the direction of the camera. I assume our inspector just hasn't thought of that yet?
Also: the cube's "face" looking at the camera is not difficult--since the original footage has been doctored somehow it isn't hard to make the digital image "look" in the direction of the camera. I assume our inspector just hasn't thought of that yet?
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#44
If the perp's a hot-shot cracker... why are they trusting netpedia?
The problem with this story is how long it is til the next chapter. Murder mysteries pull me in and I have to devour them immediately to find out whodunnit.
The problem with this story is how long it is til the next chapter. Murder mysteries pull me in and I have to devour them immediately to find out whodunnit.
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#46
I look forward on where you're taking the prequel, Frig. :)
Chatniks on the (nonexistant) risks of the Large Hadron Collector:
"The chance of Shep talking his way into the control room for an ICBM is probably higher than that." - Seth
"Come on, who wouldn't trade a few dozen square miles of French countryside for Warp 3.5?" - Marina
"The chance of Shep talking his way into the control room for an ICBM is probably higher than that." - Seth
"Come on, who wouldn't trade a few dozen square miles of French countryside for Warp 3.5?" - Marina