Feedback for Sunhawk

UFR - Give author feedback

Moderator: LadyTevar

Post Reply
User avatar
Sunhawk
Acolyte
Posts: 39
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:36 am
17

#1 Feedback for Sunhawk

Post by Sunhawk »

Magi finally twisted my arm, so I'm here now as well. Steve has been posting most of my stuff lately, but I didn't see Triple Threat up, so I've posted it now that it is complete.

And yes, I'm a newb when it comes to writing, any and all feedback is really appreciated, even of the 'that SUCKS' variety
User avatar
LadyTevar
Pleasure Kitten Foreman
Posts: 13197
Joined: Fri Jan 13, 2006 8:25 pm
18
Location: In your lap, purring
Contact:

#2

Post by LadyTevar »

Do more than 10 asterix for a scene shift again, and I will hurt you. It broke the formatting, so I had to go into your post and remove all the extra asterix.

PS: The last scene with them in the maintainence closet got cut off. Might want to either edit it, or remove it for a new thread as you continue the story.

And I highly suggest continuing the story. I'm hooked.
Last edited by LadyTevar on Wed Sep 19, 2007 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Image

Dogs are Man's Best Friend
Cats are Man's Adorable Little Serial Killers
User avatar
Sunhawk
Acolyte
Posts: 39
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:36 am
17

#3

Post by Sunhawk »

It did get cut off, and I was so tired when I posted that I didn't notice! I posted the rest into the reply, and it *looks* like it worked fine.

Sorry about the asterix, when I looked at the preview it looked fine, I editted the rest of the demarqs to 10.

And I'm glad you are enjoying it!
User avatar
frigidmagi
Dragon Death-Marine General
Posts: 14757
Joined: Wed Jun 08, 2005 11:03 am
19
Location: Alone and unafraid

#4

Post by frigidmagi »

I enjoyed the story. It had a good Shadowrunny feel and the characters were fun. I hope to see more of them someday. I also hope to see more of your writings.
"it takes two sides to end a war but only one to start one. And those who do not have swords may still die upon them." Tolken
User avatar
LadyTevar
Pleasure Kitten Foreman
Posts: 13197
Joined: Fri Jan 13, 2006 8:25 pm
18
Location: In your lap, purring
Contact:

#5

Post by LadyTevar »

Mr Johnson is always a sneaky bastard, no matter what genre.

I loved it... although you should have had at least one of the other triplets enter the room with 'Anne', just to give Michael and Stephan a shock ;)
Image

Dogs are Man's Best Friend
Cats are Man's Adorable Little Serial Killers
User avatar
Mayabird
Leader of the Marching Band
Posts: 1635
Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2005 7:53 pm
19
Location: IA > GA
Contact:

#6

Post by Mayabird »

Everything is better with swivel chairs.

I liked the story. It was fun, even if there were no Zohan. :razz:
I :luv: DPDarkPrimus!

Storytime update 8/31: Frigidmagi might be amused by this one.
User avatar
Steve
Master
Posts: 2072
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 6:14 pm
18
Contact:

#7

Post by Steve »

Ed already has a couple more stories in mind for Anne, Annika, and Alicia. :) Plus they may be making an appearance in one of the core TGG fictions rather soon.....

I believe the next one he intends to do will be a prequel to Triple Threat that shows them operating as freelancers, and delve into their origins as well.
Last edited by Steve on Sun Sep 23, 2007 11:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Chatniks on the (nonexistant) risks of the Large Hadron Collector:
"The chance of Shep talking his way into the control room for an ICBM is probably higher than that." - Seth
"Come on, who wouldn't trade a few dozen square miles of French countryside for Warp 3.5?" - Marina
User avatar
Sunhawk
Acolyte
Posts: 39
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:36 am
17

#8

Post by Sunhawk »

Well, Triple Trouble has started, the prequel to Triple Threat. Hope you folks enjoy it as much!
User avatar
frigidmagi
Dragon Death-Marine General
Posts: 14757
Joined: Wed Jun 08, 2005 11:03 am
19
Location: Alone and unafraid

#9

Post by frigidmagi »

I find this interesting, although I am wondering how the triplets are gonna take on a pirate crew with ship attached. I assume the suffering "ligit" pirates are gonna be allies, as they certainly want this band of madmax bandits gone.
"it takes two sides to end a war but only one to start one. And those who do not have swords may still die upon them." Tolken
User avatar
frigidmagi
Dragon Death-Marine General
Posts: 14757
Joined: Wed Jun 08, 2005 11:03 am
19
Location: Alone and unafraid

#10

Post by frigidmagi »

Sweet Lord in Heaven you gave the mass murdering gang rapist a warship!?!

Do you know what you can do with a warship even a clunky obsolete one?
"it takes two sides to end a war but only one to start one. And those who do not have swords may still die upon them." Tolken
User avatar
Sunhawk
Acolyte
Posts: 39
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:36 am
17

#11

Post by Sunhawk »

frigidmagi wrote:Sweet Lord in Heaven you gave the mass murdering gang rapist a warship!?!

Do you know what you can do with a warship even a clunky obsolete one?
Yes, yes I do. tum tum tum :twisted: :evil: :twisted:
User avatar
Steve
Master
Posts: 2072
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 6:14 pm
18
Contact:

#12

Post by Steve »

Keep it coming Ed. I'm sure Magi and Tev will appreciate it.
Chatniks on the (nonexistant) risks of the Large Hadron Collector:
"The chance of Shep talking his way into the control room for an ICBM is probably higher than that." - Seth
"Come on, who wouldn't trade a few dozen square miles of French countryside for Warp 3.5?" - Marina
User avatar
frigidmagi
Dragon Death-Marine General
Posts: 14757
Joined: Wed Jun 08, 2005 11:03 am
19
Location: Alone and unafraid

#13

Post by frigidmagi »

Pretty Humane Shadowrunner community there but it works.
"it takes two sides to end a war but only one to start one. And those who do not have swords may still die upon them." Tolken
Post Reply