Author Feedback: Mayabird.

[The Duchess of Zeon]

Excellent start for this. The first three paragraphs are a bit off from the rest, in terms of pacing--they're a bit rushed. For stylistic reasons the arrival of the blind man also seems a bit rushed, but not because of the structure of the text but the lack of time fixed on it. Otherwise it's avery good work from an "experience log" perspective, which is presumably what you're going for.

Did you re-write it based off the dream or did you just edit the dream post? Because just editing the dream post would certainly explain all of the issues I've raised. You might want to try just using that as a base and writing it out in an expanded story format in the future, rather than just modifying the text.

It's altogether a fine beginning in this little endeavour, though, so take heart in that.

[Mayabird]

I rewrote it slightly but mostly based on the dream post. It's mostly a draft and I was planning on rewriting it and the other dream stories.

What do you mean by "expanded story format"? I don't want to make a novel out of it, but I can see the merit in extending the story a few pages to fill it out while keeping it a short, stand-alone story.

[The Duchess of Zeon]

I rewrote it slightly but mostly based on the dream post. It's mostly a draft and I was planning on rewriting it and the other dream stories.

What do you mean by "expanded story format"? I don't want to make a novel out of it, but I can see the merit in extending the story a few pages to fill it out while keeping it a short, stand-alone story.

That's most of what I meant. Adding detail--both dramatic and informational--to what exists as a summary.

[The Duchess of Zeon]

That was a very nice dream re-write this time. The voice was believable and the accent good (I'm atrocious with ethnic accents, my major failing as a writer) and the story catchy.

[Mayabird]

Thanks.

I've posted the first half (or so) of the third story, "Cabbage Tea". This one's a bit longer and more traditional and I'm not done yet with the last half. I also edited the first story and posted an edited version of it.

[Mayabird]

Another general update: I posted a new short story in my dream rewrites. Sorry about not finishing "Cabbage Tea." Part 2 is 70% done but I've been too busy with other things to finish this one scene that isn't working.

I'll also post chapter 4 of my TGG story after Marina checks it for mistakes and factual errors about Taloran ships. It might be a few days, but it is done.

[frigidmagi]

So Tandi walked past dozens of restrooms straight into a restricted area got chased by a large alien that behaved like a drunk Micheal Jackson and managed to get away because she stumbled over a small lost girl by accident?

I'm going to go laugh myself silly now.

[Steve]

The Amusing Adventures of Tandi must continue! The audience demands it!

[frigidmagi]

That was a damn sad chapter as well. Although I admit I like Rodd. Course I have never cared for the back country, damn idiots don't make good troops, don't make good farmers and don't make good much of anything.